Your pain in my thighs 

When I put down my cup I realized this wasn’t going to be the last time. I felt the slap as if it was my own. Like somebody hit me in my thighs with a baseball bat. Stomp. Once. Stomp twice. I looked at my cup, paralyzed and silently. How many times was this? I had lost count. 

The bewildered woman was running in the field. Running as if she knew something was going to hit her, badly. She kept looking over her shoulder, but I couldn’t see her face; it was covered with her wild and curly hair that was hiding her features. Lest I should see it. The coffee in my cup looked like it was moving. Was this me? Was I dizzy? From the woman’s running? From this thought in my head, here in this house? 

Abruptly I stood up. I needed to test this theory. I needed to get away. Get out. Get out of my house. My coat flung to the floor when I ripped of the chair. I landed in front of my cup. That was silent now. Still. Like untouched water. Out, I said to myself. 

I plucked my coat off of the floor and headed for the door. I could see the axe. I could see it once. Then I saw it twice. 

She fell. 

In the field. 

My hand on the doorknob. It shivered. I trembled like I was her. Her pain was my pain. And they knew it. The house knew it. Or it’s inhabitants. I am empathic like that. There is no more difference between you and me when you’re in pain, or grieve or any other trouble. 

She was on the ground. As I was on the floor. Nailed to the ground like a wooden board. My hand still on the doorknob. I needed to get out. Out! Her hair, her wild and curly hair, like strains over her face. My face covered with tears.

The axes had hit her twice. And I was still where I was. On my way out. This is how they keep me in, I say to myself. They paralyze me with their horror. Planting it in my brain as if it was as normal as thinking about bread. Giving me horrible thoughts to put me down. 

It won’t work. 

The door flung open like the Red Sea. 

And I left her there in the field. On the ground. Hit by two axes that felt as if they hit me.

I was free. It was as still as water in me. 

Into the gloom

The light was gloomy. Like the day wouldn’t show itself. It kept it’s new beginning contained,  hidden behind an exterior of shadowy images of day. Even birds were flying low. They crossed your path like regular pedestrians. 

I bounced back when their wind stroked my hair, I thought they would land on my head. Stroking my hair as if to put it straight, I saw it. The birds cried in high shrieks leaving goosebumps on every limp and my eyes watered. Oceans entered. Barely see-through, but black oceans, oceans of hate and violence. 

I saw the guns. I heard the bang. Felt the slap. I wanted to bent. And falter. But instead I froze and stood in the haze of the gunpowder taking the last bit of light the day had granted us. I think I sniffed or hissed, or produced a sound remotely human. He just stood there and looked at me. What did he know? He could not see what I saw. 

The violence was in my mind, in my memories. Just surfacing for the occasion. Like I could take them out of a drawer anytime I needed them. But the thing was I no longer needed them. Now, they had become dirty ghosts. How do you explain your ghosts to your date that thinks he found a decent and smart person? I think of the bird raking my hair. He was right, I should have taken cover. Into the gloom. 

drama, suspence, mystery, thriller, blog

The signals 

The signals aren’t always clear. I prefer calling it signals, because I don’t believe in Omens or signs or any of that spiritual uplifting read my energy and safe the planet kind of vagueness. But there are signals. Definitely and clearly. Many signals. 

Not that I send them out. I’m just the receiver. The person at the other end who sits there listening with a half broken radio. Victor, Charlie Charlie, do you read me? Loud and clear. But it’s a one way signal. I know they can hear me. In my storm, with my half broken life sending an SOS, on repeat. 

All I get is the beating, the heavy storm damage, the howling wind that rips through my life leaving it a waste and a mess. Now I can pick up the mess, but I cannot chase the storm that never lies down. 

And so I am here. On my floor. Designated area. Hoping for protection. Hoping for help. Or just hoping, that somehow I can make the storm lie down, even if it’s just for a while, so I can discern the signals. And know what to do. 

drama, thriller, comdedy, mystery, blog

A way out 

The windows are barely see-through anymore. In my kitchen the dishes have piled up nose-high, while my wardrobe seems to have moved to the floor; leaving nothing but white spots to walk on. Like step stones in a river of clothes. 

‘What are you doing?’ A voice behind me says. 

I’m trying to find a way out,’ I explain standing in the middle of the minefield called living room. 

‘Have you ever considered cleaning up?’ 

‘I have given it a thought, but I decided it wasn’t for me.’ 

‘How so?’

‘Because it’s useless. You do it and then you have to do it all over again, and again and so on. It’s like a vicious circle or like the grasshopper that won’t stop chirping!’ 

‘People have done it for over the last millenia.’ 

‘That is a good point. But that still doesn’t make it more bearable.’  

‘Than pay somebody to do the cleaning for you.’ 

‘I can’t even afford breakfast,’ I say while I’m trying to move upstream. 

‘I might not get the psychology of this, but I do know one thing. You look stupid.’

‘Be that as it may, this is my mess.’ I’m pointing down, but I might as well have pointed sideways or just circled around like a windmill. 

The voice laughs. ‘And your mess is better than their mess?’ 

‘My mess is my mess, and their mess is, well beside universal, also devastating. Like fire, leaving nothing but ashes.’ 

Levine looks at me. His eyes almost water. ‘This is no way of getting control over your life.’ 

I raise my eyebrows. ‘I’ve given that up a long time ago. Now at least let me have my mess.’ 

‘No, you’re staying with me for a while.’ He crosses his arms in front of him. 

‘Does that mean I have to do dishes?’ I say with a pouty lip as I try to step forward, but I triple and fall flat on my face in the only blank spot that was left and is now turning red. 

‘Get up. We are leaving your dirty ghosts.’ 

I jump up, but stagger, triple again because my foot gets stuck in a panty with strawberries on it; and again I am flat on my face. ‘No way, they will let me go.’ I get up and wobble. 

‘I don’t care.’ He sweeps me off the floor and tosses my over his shoulder. I feel his muscles and firm grip. He makes a step. ‘Hey is that my ass?’ I say dangling like a ragdoll. He misses. He totters. He bends. 

‘Run!’ I scream. ‘Run and fly! Or they will get us.’ 

drama, mystery, thriller, comedy, blog

The ocean and the breeze 

The summer breeze whirled through my hair. And I stood there overlooking the ocean as it danced to its own rhythm unmoved by any factor but it’s own desires. I stood there witnessing. With the wind in my hair and no soles on my feet. Could I be him? 

Could I move into the waters, into its very core and just soak it all up until my pores are filled and my veins hold it’s beat. 

I witness the steady waters of the ocean. My eyes fill up. My tears are salty. We are one. Surrounded by the light summer breeze. 

Premonition playground 

As I pour my coffee into the cup with flowers and butterflies on it and the smell of satisfaction enters my nose, I think of what music I will put on when I’m in the car. In my head I browse my Spotify playlist of favorites, old time classics and newby’s that are on constant repeat. I get eargasms when I think about it. I take a sip from my flower cup and go uh-huh. 

In my mind my fingers touch the screen, swipe over perfect words like ‘Say you won’t let go’ and ‘Slow hands’, sometimes they stop, tap and then swipe again. But then suddenly I’m missing half an arm. How can I browse with half an arm? Where did the other half go?

Shake it off, I say to myself as I try to delete the thought. Delicious coffee, brand new day. But my hand trembles as I bring my coffee cup to my mouth, it’s like a slow motion picture and all I want to do now is fast forward this moment. I suddenly feel so tired, it looks like the whole world is distorted. 

When later in I trod the busy streets of the morning, new coffee in hand, I realize I’m so tired I want to cry. Fall down on my knees, in the middle of the street and cry an endless stream of tears that mean absolutely nothing. I’m so dead beat I can’t walk anymore, I can’t even think anymore. My brain and body are simultaneously giving up functioning and all there is left for me is to produce streams of water as if they could rise high enough they could drown me. 

My eyes are looking down, I feel so drained I can’t get them to rise. But then I nearly bump into someone. And that someone is missing half his arm.

I have been here before. At this premonition playground. But I don’t get to choose where I want to swing. They do. The premonition playground decides which way they will push me. Like they’re the fat guy at the other end of the swing set and I’m going to get launched exactly where they want me. 

Whether loosing my arm or loosing my dignity. 

Take their wings

There is no sound. Only my breath fills the room. As if it’s the solo possessor of the air surrounding me. And still I’m looking for life. Life beside my own, but not like my own. The one thing that is between heaven and earth breathing the air we can’t breathe and moving on our gasps as if they’re wings. Their wings.

I have my blankets high up as if it would help. Blocking my emissions. Taking their wings. While my eyes are piercing the darkness terrified of what they might encounter in the realm of shadowy energy.

They are here. Giving me abilities, I don’t believe in.

*

‘Okay, that guy, over there. What is he thinking?’ Levine points at a man crossing the street across from us.
‘I think he’s thinking: wait, wait, no wait a little more, yes, now is a good time to cross the street. Or maybe he’s thinking why he still feels guilty every time he did not look to the right a second time, just like his mother taught him.’
‘No jokes, because to me it looked like he was having some pretty spicy thoughts.’
‘That is something only men can hear without words.’

‘We are an extraordinary species in that way. We are designed to secure the survival of the human order.’ He collects his golden hair with one hand.
‘And having spicy thoughts is the way to do that?’ I toss my hair back.
‘Well, we like to think that in the end it helps. Plus, it keeps life simple.’
‘You are an extraordinary simple species with only one thought that has to guarantee our continued existence.’
‘I can’t handle that many words with my one thought spectrum.’ He drops his hair. ‘Now guess her thoughts.’ He’s pointing at a blond-haired lady who looks a lot like the poodle she’s walking.

‘I told your one thought brain I don’t read minds, I’m not a Gypsy.’
‘But it’s so much fun when you do.’
‘But I don’t.’
‘When you do.’
‘What I don’t.
‘But you could.’
‘But I won’t.’
‘Because you can.’
‘Because I can’t.’
‘Then how come you do?’

‘It’s not me. I don’t. I can’t. And I won’t. I’m not psychic.’
‘But you can hear people from miles away.’
‘Yes.’
‘And that’s normal?’
‘It’s temporary. Maybe I’m stressed.’

Levine tosses his hair over his shoulder. I wiggle mine into a knot.

‘You can judge people in an instant and are always right because you are stressed?’
‘It is a much more productive way of securing survival if you ask me.’
‘Secure survival on that lady with the hundred shopping bags.’ He spans his hair between his fingers to imitate the amount of bags. I do the same and have my hands bump into his to demonstrate how clumsy you are with that kind of display of your riches. We drop our hands. ‘Do it.’

‘You don’t need me.’
‘She’s cranky she couldn’t get that one item she was looking for so she bought the entire contents of the shop.’
‘Securing survival of the money machine we live in called economy. We should thank her.’

‘Send it to her.’
‘That doesn’t work.’
‘Then how does it work?’
‘You have to really, really want it.’
‘Okay, then get somebody to call you. Get Macy to call you!’ He sits on the edge of his chair.

‘No.’
‘Then what? You are just going to bring out the super powers to safe humanity or what?’
‘Women don’t have spicy thoughts like you do.’
‘Shoot. Put your wings on woman.’ He sits back in his chair, swooping his hair back.
‘I would rather stop breathing.’